Before you gingerly remove those tinted shades you’ve been rocking Johnny Depp style and attempt to strangle me with the sleeves of your $879 leather jacket, hear me out.
You don’t need to torch half your wardrobe. There is, however, a point where you’ve clearly gone too far. A threshold that, once crossed, leaves you stranded alone in d-bag country. I mean, good God, there’s nothing worse than walking into a place and seeing some Cringesaurus Rex sitting at the bar wearing a cardigan and a bead bracelet with his legs tucked behind the stool like some East Asian exchange student at a local library. I see these grown men with their fluffed up hair and their non-prescription glasses, wearing deep v t-shirts because they want to show the world what being three months into a Gold’s Gym membership looks like; these guys don’t get laid. Sorry fellas, but women aren’t impressed by your immaculately sculpted eyebrows and the fact that you’ve learned how to properly pin-roll your ridiculously skin tight jeans in an effort to reveal that your sockless penny loafers match both your watch and your belt.
Now, I’m not saying you should dress like shit; I’m saying you should dress like a man. More specifically, a man who regularly gets a first class ticket to fuzzville and never gets bumped. I mean, that is what all of this is about. Maybe you’d like to think you baptize yourself in Calvin Klein cologne at 8 O’clock each and every morning “just for you”, but I think good old Charlie Darwin would have to disagree. Don’t believe me? Next time you go on a camping trip with your pals, spruce yourself up with a little fragrance: see how that goes down. I mean, come on, the only thing worse than thinking with “the wrong head” is delusionally believing you’re thinking with the right one. So learn to accept your own male nature for what it is and don’t forget to wear your “thinking cap”. Wink, wink.
Now, having said all that, I’m a firm believer in only criticizing if you can follow up with constructive suggestions. So, here are 5 tips to help you avoid looking like a metro-I never have sex-ual and ascend into a state of Connery level manliness:
1.Wear clothes that fit — not too tight, not too loose
That means no skinny jeans, parachute pants, Simon Cowell douche tees or XXL post-weight loss porker polos. If you can’t figure it out, go read Goldilocks for fucks sake.
2.Don’t peacock — you look like a pea-cocksucker
Ditch the crazy socks, the feathered fedoras and the fingerless gloves. Are your jeans bedazzled? De-bedazzle them. Oh and I know you’ve been told that real men wear pink. That’s a lie. Now go throw out that magenta mangina announcer you’ve been prancing around town in and get yourself a plain white tee.
3.Wear dark shit — you can get it dirty
I realize I just kinda recommended the plain white t-shirt because after all, it is a classic style staple, but let’s be honest: one plate of spaghetti and a tire change later you’re down for the count. The solution? Wear darker colors and you won’t be afraid to get down and dirty. As a man, if you’re doing things right, you should have at least one drink poured on you every couple of months in addition to the occasional accidental spill. So unless you want to walk around wearing the worlds shittiest looking tie-dye, you should go for something that isn’t begging to be stained. As far as shoes go: white will work as long as you only ever wear them indoors on non-abrasive, carpeted surfaces, but if you ever feel like venturing out beyond your parents’ front patio, you should lace yourself up in something that won’t look like a polar bear’s ass after a wet -and soon to be frozen- shit by the time you get back from your trip to the mailbox.
4.Acceptable men’s jewelry — a watch, a wedding ring, dog tags
Fuck your bracelets and your pinky fucking rings, fuck your little chain necklaces and your studded silver anklets. If it takes more than 4 seconds to prepare yourself for your bi-annual dose of radiation, courtesy of the TSA, you need to say bye bye to your bling bling, you dick head.
5.And finally, get your haircut at a barber shop — not a salon
Its cheaper, quicker and you won’t leave looking like metrosexual troll doll. Just go in with a picture of James Dean and tell the nice hipster man to work his magic.
So that’s it. 5 little ways you can embark on your journey to mandom while simultaneously delivering a cotton/polyester blend F-you to all those finger wagging fashionistas who pick apart your choice of accessory.